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Conflict Series: Conflict During the Three Stages of Marriage (Part 5)
Conflict usually is minimal during the first stage of a marriage, which is the honeymoon period. Honeymoon literally refers to a “sweet month.” It marks the period from one stage of the moon to the next time that stage of the moon occurs. In a marriage, the honeymoon period is the period of sweetness and kindness between two spouses, a time when all things seem new and fresh and exciting—about thirty days.
The next stage of a marriage, however, is often called the disillusionment period—when illusions about the person you have married disappear. A woman thinks she has married Ozzie Nelson, and he turns out to be Homer Simpson. A man thinks he has married the girl of his dreams and awakens to hard, glaring reality.
After the disillusionment period comes the wonderful and long-enduring phase of commitment, when you discover your mate fully and, at the same time, commit to loving your mate in a biblical manner for the rest of your days.
Both the disillusionment and the commitment phases are going to be marked by conflict, and since they are by far the longer periods of time for a marriage, partners are wise to anticipate these periods prior to their wedding and set their minds and hearts to enduring the disillusionment period in anticipation of the commitment phase. At the same time, refuse to shy away from conflict during your dating, courtship, and engagement periods. Keep your discussions and conversations lively. Don’t “stuff” your emotions in fear that you will damage your relationship. Learn to fight fair.
My Question For You:
What are your expectations about conflict in your dating or marriage relationship? Are you disillusioned or prepared to work through conflict?
My Challenge For You:
Think about the three stages of marriage. If you are married, which one are you in and are you handling conflict correctly? If you are single, are you confronting conflict in your relationships as you date?
Please leave us your thoughts below. Looking for other articles from the Conflict Series? Click Here.
Conflict Series – Part IV
One of the strangest verses in the entire Bible must be Proverbs 14:4: “Where no oxen are, the trough is clean; but much increase comes by the strength of an ox.”
This verse means that if you don’t have any oxen, you will obviously have a clean manger or feeding trough. You may be happy to have a clean trough, which doesn’t require any work, but on the other hand, you are likely to be much happier if you have oxen in your stable. Strong oxen enable much work to get done—many acres plowed, cultivated, and harvested. Strong oxen lead to a great increase in the field. You will probably desire to have a “dirty” trough and its related work because the presence of oxen means more prosperity down the line.
The same principle holds true for a marriage. If you aren’t married, you may very well have less conflict in your life. But if you want the deep joys of having a spouse and children, you will gladly endure conflict as part of the price for having a family.
My Question For You:
Is your relationship a clean or dirty trough?
My Challenge For You:
Be willing to put the effort into your relationship so that it will be strengthened through the resolving of conflict.
Please share your thoughts with us below.
Starting this week we are going to start responding to your comments and questions on our most recent devotional. The most recent was Conflict Denied and if you missed it or the comments, check it out here.
From Doug Hudson…
Let me first say to Mardy, wow, thanks much for the kind words. Are you sure it was me you were referring to? Your Christmas gift is in the mail:))
But, I also wanted to thank everyone for the great discussion about conflict. One topic that came up yesterday over coffee with a friend about this exact subject. He asked, ‘how do I handle when I have been offended by my wife.’ A very legit and good question.
My repsonse may be not what you are expecting. There are times when we are legitmately offended by our spouse. But, as believers that should be pretty rare in our marriage.
What I see most often, is one of the spouses being too defensive. I first see this mostly in men. You know that fragile male ego joke we have all heard about…well unfortunately I think it is kind of true:(
Many times what we need is a good dose of laughing at ourselves and not taking ourselves too seriously. Many conflicts stem from ‘I feel offended’ so then I react like that and then we spiral into a good ole fashion fight where things are said and hurtful things are brought back up.
So, of course there is real offense. In these cases, approach with kindness, respect but get to the point quickly and concisely. Be direct and kind about each other’s feelings.
But, too many of us, yeah, unfortunately, me included, I just need to relax a bit, laugh at myself when being teased, and not take myself so seriously.
Life is short, God is good, and there is much to do and enjoy for Christ’s sake.
God is with you.
Conflict Denied: Conflict Series Part III
Newly married couples need to expect conflict, although I am not advocating that they should look for it. Picking a fight just for the sake of having a fight is not the goal. At the same time, a husband or wife should never shy away from conflict in a spirit of denial—either denying oneself full expression of opinions and ideas, or denying that certain situations within the marriage need resolution, repair, or readdressing. Those who live in denial live in a false peace.
It is far better to get differences of opinion out in the open than to keep them stuffed inside for the sake of perceived peace. Such peace is going to be fragile. Feelings of anger and hurt are likely to go underground and build to an explosion point at a later time. Too much pent-up emotion related to any issue can cause a situation to be blown far beyond the proportions warranted by the initial behavior or circumstance.
One person I know said this about his marriage of twenty-five years to a wife he adores: “Neither of us is good at silence. We vent our feelings frequently. We are quick to state our opinions and quick to resolve our differences. We don’t let anything negative brew and build between us. If we ever let things build up in us over time, we’d likely blow ourselves up in the process of blowing off steam.”
In my opinion, this couple has a very healthy attitude toward conflict.
My Question For You:
Do you express your feelings, opinions and ideas to your mate, even when they are difficult, or do you hold them inside?
My Challenge For You:
Make your relationship a safe place for both you and your mate to discuss your feelings, both good and bad.
Share your thoughts with us here.
Welcome…
To those of you who were recently added to our mailing list we want to say Welcome. Many new additions are from our recent conferences in Austin – Hello Austin!
If you missed the first two devotionals on conflict, read them here:
Conflict – Part 2
No marriage is without conflict. Frankly, a marriage without any conflict would be very boring. There likely would be a lack of deep or meaningful communication.
Such a marriage might as well be a butler married to a maid, each of whom is reluctant to express his or her personality, dreams, desires, goals, or spiritual giftedness.
A truly vibrant marriage is going to be marked by discussion—at times lively. Healthy disagreements arise naturally because both individuals maintain their unique perspectives, ideas, and opinions. Debate is common about which course of action to take, since each person has individual preferences and reasons for holding them.
Discussion, disagreement, and debate, however, do not need to degenerate into a cold war or an ongoing atmosphere of dispute. Discussions should reach a conclusion, disagreements should resolve into agreement, and debates should come to a decisive course of action. Marriages without conflict aren’t healthy and growing.
All married couples, therefore, face the challenge of learning to fight clean and fair, with a positive outcome that is genuinely harmonious, not merely strained and silent.
My Question For You:
Is your relationship characterized by discussions, disagreements, and debates?
My Challenge For You:
Seek to have conclusions to your discussions, agreements out of your disagreements, and a course of action derived from your debates.
These devotionals are from the Song of Solomon series by Tommy Nelson. For more info on that series click here.
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Conflict
Back in the early 1980s, my wife, Teresa, and I were in Oklahoma City where I had been invited to conduct a wedding ceremony. The morning after the wedding, I went out for a jog. It was hot and humid, and by the time I finished my run, my t-shirt was soaked with sweat. I came back into our motel room, stripped off my t-shirt, and threw it in a nearby paper bag—which is obviously where I thought such a garment ought to go. My wife reacted instantly without thinking.
She whopped me with her hand on across the middle of my back and said, “Don’t do that!” Bam! I was stunned by her reaction and just as quickly turned and said sharply, “Cut that out!” My harsh words caused tears to well up in her eyes immediately. I felt wronged, and she felt wronged by being yelled at. I didn’t know that she had put a new dress that she was sewing into that paper bag, and she didn’t know that I didn’t know that I didn’t know.
And there we were, just hours after my performing a ceremony of holy matrimony, getting into our car and driving toward Texarkana in angry silence. We drove five hours without a word between us, and then neither of us could stand the silence any longer. We began to communicate about what had really happened and why each had felt wronged. By the time we finally arrived at our destination, we had forgiven each other and were ready to kiss and make up.
All couples fight. Good couples fight clean. Bad couples fight dirty.
Good marital conflict leads to resolution and greater closeness. Bad marital conflict presses for victory, which leads to alienation and the potential for revenge.
Stayed tuned over the next several weeks as we discuss conflict and how to resolve it within your relationship
My Question For You:
What kind of conflict do you have in your relationship? Do you fight clean or dirty?
My Challenge For You:
The next time conflict arises in your relationship, think about whether you are pressing for a victory or for resolution.
Perspective is everything. Every Christian should know their Bible, and perhaps there is no more enticing and controversial topic than that of the End Times and knowing how “it is all going to work out.”
This study of the Book of Daniel is the key to unlocking all other Biblical passages. This is not just about figuring out how it will all end, but it is about finding our place in this journey and how knowing the end gives even more purpose, peace and intensity to living for Today.
Tommy Nelson is one of America’s premier teachers and one of the most gifted communicators in taking “big” pieces of Scripture and helping us understand them. This is the newest release in the Tommy Nelson Bible Study Series.
The study in Daniel will follow the simple, profound and life changing model of all of Tommy’s teaching verse by verse and full of relevant application and inspiring stories.
So, whether you are a long time believer, new Christian, or perhaps you are still seeking to find the truth about God, Heaven and eternal things then Daniel – Things to Come is the study for you, your small group or your Sunday Class study.
To watch some video clips of this series please click here.
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You Become What You Give
A very important aspect of a truly good marriage is that a couple bring out the best in each other, each person being the type of person he or she would also like to be. Your spouse should be one of your heroes!
It is up to a spouse to determine what type of emotional “nourishment” will be given in a marriage. Will you feed your mate unkind words, bitterness or negativity? Or will you feed your mate encouragement, value and genuine compliments? In this case, it is often true that you give what you get. Someone who receives bitterness and negativity will likely express bitterness and negativity to others. Likewise, someone who receives unconditional love and appreciation is likely to give the same to others. – Tommy Nelson Song of Solomon
My Question For You:
What are you feeding your spouse?
My Challenge For You:
If you’re not feeding your spouse encouragement and support, you might try changing your diet!
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Matt Chandler is speaking at Catalyst this week and so we wanted to do something fun to promote his new BIble Study Philippians – To Live is Christ & To Die is Gain.
Leave us a comment about anything that you like, about Matt Chandler, Tommy Nelson, Mark Driscoll, the Catalyst Conference or any of your favorite teachers. We want to hear your comments and feedback about truth and how you go about learning God’s word.
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Winners will be announced Monday, October 12, 2009.
Rules:
Leave a comment between 12 a.m. Oct 6 to 12 a.m. Oct. 9. Leave as many comments as you want. We will then tally up the comments and pick a number from 1 to however many comments we receive. If your name falls on that number, then you win! It’s that simple. Winners will be notified on Monday October 12th.
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