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Ask God to Make a Change

There was no manipulation whatsoever in the scene in Song of Solomon 5:6-8.  There was no bargaining—“you do this for me and I’ll do that for you.”  Bargaining results in manipulation, not ministry.

A woman asked me after I had presented the information in this chapter, “If I can’t leave him, can I kill him?  No, you can’t do that either!

But you can continue to love your spouse and to pray for your spouse.  Ask God to do what you cannot do, and that is to change the human heart and transform the human mind.

State what you feel you must state, make whatever requests you believe are right to make, put forth your case as best you can make it, but don’t attempt to force a change in your mate.  Leave that up to God.

My Question For You: Is there something that you want to change in your spouse (or maybe something your spouse wants to change in you)?

My Challenge For You: Leave the changing part up to God.

Want to watch the SOS Tommy Nelson Study? You can buy the DVD Series here or Rent one Session at a Time here.

By |April 28th, 2010|Conflict, Tommy Nelson|2 Comments
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Live Webcast Featuring Tommy Nelson – Overcoming Depression

Tommy is doing a live webcast on “Overcoming Depression” with Focus on the Family on Wednesday, April 28, 2010 at 1:00 p.m. CST. To view it, go to  www.focusonthefamily.com/webcasts.

If you go to www.focusonthefamily.com, you’ll see a green circle that says “Your Family Live.” That will take you there too. You can watch it live, or if you wait until about 3:30 MT, it’ll be archived on the Focus on the Family website.

Then, on Thursday, May 6, 2010, the National Day of Prayer, Family Talk with Dr. James Dobson will be broadcasting Tommy’s “America: The Grand Idea.” Family Talk with Dr. James Dobson is broadcast locally on Dallas/Greenville 90.5 KTXG-FM at 6:30 a.m.

If you are not familiar with Family Talk with Dr. James Dobson, it is a new ministry of Dr. and Mrs. Dobson that makes its broadcast debut on Monday, May 3rd. You can find out more information on their website at http://myfamilytalk.com.

By |April 27th, 2010|Tommy Nelson|0 Comments
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When Teasing Goes Bad

Early in our marriage, my wife was lying in bed one morning, and I said, “Teresa, get up and fix me some breakfast!”  I was teasing her, but my words didn’t exactly come out in the teasing way that I meant for them to sound.  At the same time I spoke those words, I picked up a metric stick that I owned, a four-sided stick with a steel border on one side, and I cracked that stick down on what I thought was a lump in the sheets.  It was my wife’s leg!  I had hit her hard.  I saw her eyes puddle up with tears of pain, and I immediately fled to the kitchen in contrition, determined to serve my wife breakfast in bed!

I popped the top off the orange juice container, and in my hurry to make amends for my bad behavior; I poured orange juice down my front.  At that point, Teresa walked into the kitchen, and I turned toward her, covered in orange juice and said, “You prayed for that.”  She sweetly said, “Come here, Sweetheart,” inviting me for a comforting hug, but as I turned toward her, I hit my head on the corner of the cabinet, and suddenly there was blood trickling down from my forehead and mingling with the spilled orange juice.  I was a mess.

Did I ever again attempt to tease my wife about fixing my breakfast, using a metric stick to emphasize my point?  No way.  For her part, Teresa was kind enough never to bring up the matter again.  She knew God had dealt with me in a better way than she ever could have.

My Question For You:

Has something similar to this ever happened to you?  Were you the teaser or the teased?

My Challenge For You:

Consider what you say wisely when you decide to tease!

Want to watch the SOS Tommy Nelson Study? You can buy the DVD Series here or Rent one Session at a Time here.

By |April 21st, 2010|Conflict, Song of Solomon, Tommy Nelson|0 Comments
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Don't Nag

No matter how you feel the Lord prompting you to respond to a conflict, you should feel remorse that any type of conflict has occurred.  You are to lament the fact that the marriage relationship has suffered an injury, regardless of what happened or who was responsible for initiating the conflict.  The woman felt the full sting and pain of what she had done (see Song 5:6-8).

Solomon did not inflict the pain upon her; it was the “watchmen,” the faithful guardians of God’s people.  If your spouse wrongs you, give God some time to work in your mate’s heart.  Let God have an opportunity to deal with the conscience of your spouse.  Your role is not to have that of the Holy Spirit in your spouse’s life.  My role as a husband is to teach my wife what I know to be true, love her tenderly, care for her, and provide for her all that she needs, but I am not her Savior, her divine Spirit of truth, or her Comforter and Counselor.  Only the Lord can fill those roles.

I have counseled many couples in which either the husband or the wife continually nags the other about what the other does wrong before the Lord.  These beleaguered nagged spouses can’t hear the voice of the Lord because the spouse is talking so loudly!  They feel manipulated, put upon, and downtrodden.  My advice to the nagging spouse is to keep quiet and let God work.  It’s amazing how God moves into a person’s life.  Truly His ways are higher than man’s ways, and His methods are not only very creative but extremely effective!

My Question For You: Has nagging broken in to your relationship?  Are you the nag or are you being nagged?  How do you feel about that?

My Challenge For You: Don’t nag.  It surely won’t help your relationship.  Let the Holy Spirit work.

Want to watch the SOS Tommy Nelson Study? You can buy the DVD Series here or Rent one Session at a Time here.

By |April 14th, 2010|Tommy Nelson, Weekly Devos|0 Comments
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A Continued Pursuit in Love (Part 4)

Let’s continue from last week’s discussion about Peter’s charge concerning how we act in conflict. Such an attitude and means of resolving conflict begin with how you individually choose to respond to a situation. Will you allow your hurt to linger, fester, and grow, or will you give it to the Lord, ask for His help in resolving the situation, and then speak to your spouse later in loving kindness and with a sure and sincere approach that can bring you to positive resolution?

We come to know in our marriages when we have hurt a spouse. There is a look in the eyes, a slumping of the shoulders, a slow walk away, or a spirit of dejection. I know immediately when I have hurt Teresa. Her eyes fill with tears and I know that—regardless of what has been said or done, and regardless of how “right” I might have been in what I did—I must ask her forgiveness first for hurting her. She knows how to read me equally well. And she knows that before she can ever get across her point of view, she is wise to ask forgiveness for hurting me. It is in this spirit of mutual forgiveness and a desire for mutual continuation of our relationship in love that conflicts are genuinely resolved, a torn relationship is mended, and difficulties are turned into paving stones for a stronger foundation.

My Question For You: What are the signs that your spouse displays when you have hurt them? What do you do when you notice them?

My Challenge For You: When you see these signs from your mate, make a conscious effort to seek forgiveness.

Want to watch the SOS Tommy Nelson Study? You can buy the DVD Series here or Rent one Session at a Time here.

By |March 24th, 2010|Conflict, Hub Thots, Song of Solomon, Weekly Devos|0 Comments
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A Continued Pursuit in Love (Part 3)

In 1 Peter 3:1, 3-4, 7-8, Peter taught:

Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands…Do not let your adornment be merely outward…rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God…Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered.  Finally, all of you be of one mind, having compassion for one another.

Peter encouraged wives and husbands to deal with each other graciously and tenderly.  A wife is to bear a gentle and quiet spirit in her discussions with her husband.  A husband is to approach his wife as if she is as delicate as a china cup—which is what it means to regard a wife as a “weaker” vessel—recognizing that his bombastic tone and mannerisms can cause his wife to shrivel inside and to feel demeaned.  Don’t hurt each other, Peter said.  Have compassion for each other, and seek to have one mind—in other words, love each other until you reach a common point of agreement.

My Question For You: Husbands, do you treat your wife as a delicate china cup or do your actions cause her to feel demeaned?

My Challenge For You: Have compassion for your spouse when you are in a disagreement—it will serve you well.

By |March 17th, 2010|Conflict, Hub Thots, Song of Solomon, Tommy Nelson|0 Comments
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A Continued Pursuit in Love (continued)

A Continued Pursuit in Love

Continuing from last weeks thoughts, how do they square with my earlier advice that you not let certain things build up inside you until you feel an explosion coming on? Very easily. It is up to you to give weight to a situation or circumstance that you perceive to be a conflict. Some things are not worthy of emotional battles or open conflict. Other things that should be addressed need to be addressed in the right time and place, with the right attitude and goal. It is up to you to decide what really matters. Choose your areas for discussion and conflict resolution wisely.

Maintain your poise and composure when you feel hurt, rejected, or maligned by someone. Choose to take control over your attitude and to control the subsequent discussion of the issue with a tone of quietness and positive communication.

My Question For You: Do you keep your composure when you are wronged by someone or do you react without thinking?

My Challenge For You: Consider your attitude the next time you are in a situation that can turn into a conflict and try to determine if it is really worth it.

Want to watch the SOS Classic Study? You can buy the DVD Series here or Rent one Session at a Time here.

By |March 3rd, 2010|Conflict, Hub Thots, Song of Solomon, Tommy Nelson, Weekly Devos|0 Comments
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Tommy Nelson: A Continued Pursuit in Love

Solomon did not at first respond to his wife’s rejection in an angry way. He persisted in expressing his desire. At first he only called to her. She heard his voice. Then even after she had rejected him verbally, he reached out for her. His behavior did not mirror hers. He continued to pursue her in love.

Refuse to overreact or to react too quickly to what another person does or says. One person said to me, “My mother had a phrase, ‘let the river roll on for a while.’ We lived near a river, and I knew precisely what she meant. Some things are best left to float right on by because they are issues that are too little to warrant a fight.” You might have heard it said, “Don’t make mountains out of mole hills.” Same principle. Continue to pursue your relationship and your spouse with love. Don’t make big issues out of little ones. Proverbs 12:16 tells us, “A fool’s wrath is known at once, but a prudent man covers shame.”

My Question For You: Do you react like Solomon did when you are rejected?

My Challenge For You: Can you react to your spouse in a way that “let’s the river roll on for a while” and then follow on in love?

Want to watch the SOS Classic Study? You can buy the DVD Series here or Rent one Session at a Time here

By |February 24th, 2010|Conflict, Hub Thots, Song of Solomon, Weekly Devos|0 Comments
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Be Sensitive to Arising Conflict

A number of people who have heard me teach on the Song of Solomon have asked me, “But how can I tell if my spouse is upset over something I’ve done?  My spouse doesn’t seem to give me any clue that I’ve stepped on her toes or tripped her up.”  Every person has different means of communicating and sending signals.  It may take you a little time to determine when you have overstepped the boundaries of what your mate considers to be appropriate or good behavior.  My wife’s foremost clue to me is a little look that she gives me in which she communicates volumes.  I’m more verbal.  I sigh very deeply and loudly enough for her to hear me.

They are clues we give to each other to say, “Let’s each take stock of what has just happened here.”  Ideally we’ll replay in our minds what has happened, draw some conclusions, and come together at a later time for a rational, unheated discussion.

What fuels a conflict rather than defuses it is the attitude, “I’m walking away from you until you get your act together and are repentant.”  A cooling-off period is not the same as assuming a cold, unresponsive, punishing attitude.  A cooling-off period does not need to be precipitated by a loud stomping off or the tossing of a final barb over one’s shoulder.

My Question For You: Have you figured out your mate’s “signal” of when you have overstepped the boundaries of what they think is good behavior?

My Challenge For You: When you see this signal from your mate, be willing to think about what has just happened and come back at an appropriate time to discuss the situation.

Want to watch the SOS Classic Study? You can buy the DVD Series here or Rent one Session at a Time here.

By |February 17th, 2010|Song of Solomon, Weekly Devos|0 Comments
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Tommy Nelson – SOS – Sharing your Feelings During Conflict

Last week we left our discussion with being slow to anger and not reacting like the person who has hurt you so that you resolve your conflict.  Maybe you are saying, “But you said previously, Tommy, that I should not stifle my feelings and that I should express them freely in my marriage.”  That’s absolutely correct, but how and when you express your feelings, and with what underlying motive and attitude, are very important.

Express yourself, yes, but wait until your emotional temperature has cooled.  Be proactive and intentional, not reactive and instinctual, in expressing your feelings.  Wait until the one who has hurt you also has cooled off or is in a good frame of mind to hear what you have to say.  Every person I know can do a better job of keeping a cool head and choosing at all times to respond as Christ would respond.  It’s tough to do, but it’s what we as Christians are called and challenged by God to do.

I know people who have grown up in homes where passive-aggressive behavior was the norm.  That’s behavior in which a person is warm and loving one minute, and the next minute, the person is ice cold or hateful.

Such behavior does not need to occur.  Conflict can be resolved at this very first stage if one of the persons in the relationship will be mature enough to sit back, analyze and pray about the situation, and make a measured response that is loving, kind, and aimed at a greater positive in the future.

My Question For You: When you are responding to your mate during a time of conflict, is it in the heat of the moment, or do you take time to cool off and think about your response?

My Challenge For You: Are you willing to act as God wants you to during times of conflict by showing love, kindness, and seeking to positive resolution?

You can rent or buy the Song of Solomon and other Bible Studies by Tommy Nelson, Mark Driscoll, and Matt Chandler and watch them online starting as low as $4.99 per session.

By |February 10th, 2010|Conflict, Weekly Devos|1 Comment
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