Conflict occurs when both parties feel in some way wronged, denied, misunderstood, or unappreciated.  We find a perfect example in the conflict between Solomon and his bride:

I sleep, but my heart is awake; It is the voice of my beloved!
He knocks, saying, “Open for me, my sister, my love, my dove, my perfect one;
For my head is covered with dew, my locks with the drops of the night.”
(Song 5:2)

She speaks back in Song 5:3:
I have taken off my robe; How can I put it on again?
I have washed my feet; How can I defile them?

Solomon had been working late.  After a long day in a hard world, he longed to come home to some tenderness and appreciation.  She, on the other hand, had pretty much given up on his coming home at a reasonable hour and had gone to bed.

Keep in mind that in those days, a man and a woman often had different bedchambers so he was knocking on her door in hopes of joining her.  Her response, in modern-day terms, might be, “I have a headache.”  She says poetically, “Not tonight, I’ve already taken a bath and am in bed.  Yet you want to have sex now?”  They’re thoughts and desires are definitely not on the same page and they are set up for conflict.

We’ll see both of their reactions to this situation next week.

My Question For You: Are there any situations you face that you know will lead to conflict?

My Challenge For You: Conflict is inevitable.  Are you willing to prepare for it and set yourself up to learn from it?

Conflict Denied: Conflict Series Part III

Newly married couples need to expect conflict, although I am not advocating that they should look for it.  Picking a fight just for the sake of having a fight is not the goal.  At the same time, a husband or wife should never shy away from conflict in a spirit of denial—either denying oneself full expression of opinions and ideas, or denying that certain situations within the marriage need resolution, repair, or readdressing.  Those who live in denial live in a false peace.

It is far better to get differences of opinion out in the open than to keep them stuffed inside for the sake of perceived peace.  Such peace is going to be fragile.  Feelings of anger and hurt are likely to go underground and build to an explosion point at a later time. Too much pent-up emotion related to any issue can cause a situation to be blown far beyond the proportions warranted by the initial behavior or circumstance.

One person I know said this about his marriage of twenty-five years to a wife he adores: “Neither of us is good at silence.  We vent our feelings frequently.  We are quick to state our opinions and quick to resolve our differences.  We don’t let anything negative brew and build between us.  If we ever let things build up in us over time, we’d likely blow ourselves up in the process of blowing off steam.”

In my opinion, this couple has a very healthy attitude toward conflict.

My Question For You:

Do you express your feelings, opinions and ideas to your mate, even when they are difficult, or do you hold them inside?

My Challenge For You:

Make your relationship a safe place for both you and your mate to discuss your feelings, both good and bad.

Share your thoughts with us here.

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If you missed the first two devotionals on conflict, read them here:

• Conflict Part 1 – What Are You Feeding Your Spouse?
• Conflict Part 2 – Are You Pressing for a Victory or Resolution?
  

Conflict – Part 2

No marriage is without conflict. Frankly, a marriage without any conflict would be very boring. There likely would be a lack of deep or meaningful communication.

Such a marriage might as well be a butler married to a maid, each of whom is reluctant to express his or her personality, dreams, desires, goals, or spiritual giftedness.

A truly vibrant marriage is going to be marked by discussion—at times lively. Healthy disagreements arise naturally because both individuals maintain their unique perspectives, ideas, and opinions. Debate is common about which course of action to take, since each person has individual preferences and reasons for holding them.

Discussion, disagreement, and debate, however, do not need to degenerate into a cold war or an ongoing atmosphere of dispute. Discussions should reach a conclusion, disagreements should resolve into agreement, and debates should come to a decisive course of action. Marriages without conflict aren’t healthy and growing.

All married couples, therefore, face the challenge of learning to fight clean and fair, with a positive outcome that is genuinely harmonious, not merely strained and silent.

My Question For You:

Is your relationship characterized by discussions, disagreements, and debates?

My Challenge For You:

Seek to have conclusions to your discussions, agreements out of your disagreements, and a course of action derived from your debates.

These devotionals are from the Song of Solomon series by Tommy Nelson. For more info on that series click here.

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