Conflict Series Part VIII: Both Parties Feel Harmed (continued)

Two weeks ago we left Solomon knocking at the door of his beloveds and where she was not letting him in.  He persists in his expression of desire and longing for her:

My beloved put his hand by the latch of the door, and my heart yearned for him. I arose to open for my beloved, and my hands dripped with myrrh,
My fingers with liquid myrrh, on the handles of the lock. I opened for my beloved, but my beloved had turned away and was gone.
(Song 5:6)

By this point, Solomon had felt wronged from his wife’s rebuff.  He didn’t break the door down or demand entrance.  He reached out to her in sincerity and tenderness.  The myrrh that he left on the latch was a symbol of sweetness.  His attitude toward her was tender.

When he got no response, Solomon walked away.  He no doubt felt rejected.  He might very well have said under his breath, “Hey, I’m the king.  I married you.  I’ve loved you.  I was working late tonight, I came to you in a loving manner, and look what I get.  You have rejected me.  I don’t deserve this response.”

Two persons feeling wronged—that’s the first part of any conflict.  If only one person feels wronged and then thinks through the situation and concludes, “Actually I haven’t been all that wronged or hurt,” an argument or disagreement is not likely to occur.  But when both spouses feel that a wrong has been done to them, conflict ensues.

At this stage of feeling wronged a conflict can be most easily resolved.  We’ll discuss this more next week.

Tommy_NelsonMy Question For You: Was Solomon right in feeling rebuffed?  Was his wife also correct in her feelings?  Can both people be equally right in their feelings yet be on opposite sides of the disagreement?

My Challenge For You: When you feel rebuffed or wronged, consider the thoughts and feelings of your spouse to see how they might feel they are being wronged by you.

Miss some of this series? Find all of them here. These conflict devotionals are from the Song of Solomon DVD series by Tommy Nelson. Click here to for more details or to purchase this series.

By |December 30th, 2009|Conflict, Song of Solomon, Tommy Nelson|1 Comment

The Six Stages of Conflict

The inevitability of conflict is addressed in the Song of Solomon.  Nearly two chapters are devoted to a “fight” between Solomon and his bride.  The result of the conflict was a deeper and better marriage, and therefore, we are going to take a close look at the six stages of their conflict.

  • Stage One: Both Parties Feel Harmed
  • Stage Two: A Change of Heart
  • Stage Three: Reaching Out to Make Amends
  • Stage Four: Communication
  • Stage Five: Forgiveness
  • Stage Six: Greater Closeness and Joy

We’ll dive into each one of these stages over the coming weeks in order to gain a good understanding of how to handle conflict.

My Question For You: Are you currently experiencing conflict in your relationship?  Is it based on a new problem or something that has been lingering?

My Challenge For You: Think about all the important relationships in your life.  Is there any current or unresolved conflict that you need to see resolved?

Leave us your feedback below.

By |December 9th, 2009|Conflict, Hub Thots, Tommy Nelson|1 Comment

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The Kids & Re-Marriage

For a first week of questions you guys really did not waste any time. Of course, when we are experiencing pain, time is of the essence, right!

In thinking about which direction to go in my response, I tried to think about one of the issues brought up that may affect the most people. I just spent some time with family over the Thanksgiving holiday, as I am sure many of you did, which of course is a whole other topic, right? So who is going to give me counsel on that one?

But, here is a point that I know so many people deal with. I am not going to focus on the biblical/theological issues dealing with re-marriage. That is a very lengthy conversation and one that has much disagreement within the Christian church. In fact, if you ask most pastors, they will be hard pressed to put their true beliefs on paper, and many of them will tell you it is not the issue of divorce that is difficult, it is the issue of re-marriage.

But I digress. 🙂 The issue for this response is dealing with the kids from previous marriages. This is extremely difficult whether the kids are young, or if the kids are grown.

I think my primary principle is two-fold. When you choose to re-marry, you have a new husband/wife. The principle in Genesis is that a man should leave his mother and father and the two shall become one flesh. Marriage is a new union of two becoming one. This is why the issue of re-marriage is so difficult, and in my belief another in a very long line of reasons why God intended and designed for one marriage, one husband and one wife. However, even in the issue of the death of a spouse where there is no theological problem related to ‘is it okay to remarry’, the issue of the kids is still very much an issue.

First principle: If God called you into a marriage, then you need to be committed to God first, then to your spouse, then to your family. Now, I know this is very difficult. But, each person did decide to get married, and with that comes ‘opportunities’ to be faithful to God and our commitment. The real issue in many folks situation is that the person we choose to re marry is not submitting themselves to God and therefore they can cause more problems than they should. These are signs that we should look for diligently prior to getting married or re-married.

You will continue to hear me say over and over again, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.  But, of course God’s forgiveness is for all of us because we all need the greatest ‘Cure’ of all time, Him.  So, any husband or wife dealing with a difficult spouse on any issue, pray diligently for them.

In another blog we posted, Mark Driscoll makes the statement to ‘invite’ your spouse, don’t nag your spouse.  I suggest mustering the most patient, kind and courageous attitude, after much prayer, and trying to get an honest dialogue going with your spouse about how you really feel.  Not emotional, no ‘angry words’ or ‘tones’, but an honest, calm discussion.  No ultimatums, no expectations of immediate relief or change, but an honest dialogue that allows room for God to change both you and your spouse’s heart.

Much of the angst that fills our heart and mind on these issues is that “I just wish I could fix it right away,” it is the sense of being out of control.  Well, guess what, we are not in control of anyone, other than ourselves, and the only control we have is to submit to God and live one day at a time.

My second principle is your kids are your kids.  It is always a delicate balance and one that takes much time, self-control, brave communication and trust to guide us through this journey.  Again, the issues of dealing with the kids in any situation, re-marriage, grandkids, are very present and real.

The balance from kids becoming their own families and the right level of involvement are things that must be worked out together and over time, and they will change over time.  Of course in all of our families, we all have dysfunction.  Humans are dysfunctional.  Our goal should be each day by God’s grace and power, to be brave and continue our own personal growth and asking the Lord to lead us to make better decisions and leave the results to Him.

So, for all of us and our families, let’s make a start today to: Get quiet and Pray, be brave and to have calm and honest discussions, and leave results to God.  Some of you have tried this, others have not, but again, we all have to live with decisions we have made and trust an all loving and powerful God to work first in our lives, and then in our spouse or kids or grandkids.

Most importantly, God is with you.

To view all of the posts on the Conflict Series, click here.

Tommy is Better than OK

Wow, last week was an interesting one. For those of us who have been blessed by the teaching of The Word by Tommy Nelson, many of you have heard already, but some  have not. Last Tuesday, July 28th about 10:10AM at Denton Bible Church, Tommy had a major heart attack. He was in a counseling appointment, which is another story, and what a day that man had, as Tommy looked at him 7 minutes in and said ‘friend, I think I am having a heart attack.’ I am surprised that guy did not have one as well.

The long and short of it all is that within 28 minutes of the 911 phone call Tommy’s blocked artery was opened and blood was flowing normally. Later that day the young CEO of the hospital and another life who had been blessed by his ministry, came by Tommy’s room and said, ‘we set a record on you today.’ That record was the 28 minutes from call to blood flow.

Tommy is feeling great and even worked out today for the first time since his heart attack, a whopping 6 days later.  Tommy and Teresa Nelson are blessed people and they know it and we are grateful and blessed that God has spared his life.

We can all learn from this struggle. Just 15 minutes prior to Tommy’s heart attack, he was riding his scooter, his gas saver and fun ride machine, to the church. He did not have his cell phone with him, which as many of you know he despises most all technology, except for treadmills and movies. Had this happened while he was on his scooter only God knows the result. But guess what, God knew and knows Tommy’s ‘result’ from the beginning of time and He is never caught off guard.

God is in control. We are not. The sooner we surrender to that the more we can Rest in Him. Tommy is resting in God’s provision and providence, just another great lesson God has taught us thru him.

We love you,
Doug Hudson

By |August 3rd, 2009|Hub Thots, Song of Solomon, Tommy Nelson|13 Comments

Tommy Nelson

Tommy Nelson is one of America’s premier teachers and one of the most gifted communicators in taking ‘big’ pieces of Scripture and helping us understand them.

Tommy Nelson is the teacher on 4 of our Bible Studies, Song of Solomon, Daniel, Romans Vol. I and II as well as A Life Well Lived. He is the pastor of Denton Bible Church in Denton, Texas. Tommy has been married to Teresa Nelson for 33 years and they have two grown sons, Ben and John Clark, along with two grandchildren.

By |August 2nd, 2009|Tommy Nelson|8 Comments