Conflict Series – Part IV
One of the strangest verses in the entire Bible must be Proverbs 14:4: “Where no oxen are, the trough is clean; but much increase comes by the strength of an ox.”
This verse means that if you don’t have any oxen, you will obviously have a clean manger or feeding trough. You may be happy to have a clean trough, which doesn’t require any work, but on the other hand, you are likely to be much happier if you have oxen in your stable. Strong oxen enable much work to get done—many acres plowed, cultivated, and harvested. Strong oxen lead to a great increase in the field. You will probably desire to have a “dirty” trough and its related work because the presence of oxen means more prosperity down the line.
The same principle holds true for a marriage. If you aren’t married, you may very well have less conflict in your life. But if you want the deep joys of having a spouse and children, you will gladly endure conflict as part of the price for having a family.
My Question For You:
Is your relationship a clean or dirty trough?
My Challenge For You:
Be willing to put the effort into your relationship so that it will be strengthened through the resolving of conflict.
Please share your thoughts with us below.
My husband died in 1990. I recently remarried three months ago. His wife died over two years ago. We both have adult children and we both have grandchildren. I thought this was supposed to be an easy time in my life. It is not. We argue about anything and everything. I find myself having to always do and spend time with his family. I always feel like I come in second. I feel like I am the one having to make all the changes. This is certainly not what I wanted or expected. My marriage is like a roller coaster ride. The good times are good, the bad times are terrible. Sometimes I feel like I should have remained single.
I have had a life of conflict and actually just finished a 3 month season of separation from my husband after some hidden things got exposed and were dealt with scripturally. We are now back together for a 3 month period, the next phase of our rebuilding. I must say that the peace I experienced during the first 3 months was huge and very healing for me. Now I am faced with the potential for conflict on a daily basis, though my heart is in a much better place, a healthy place. Before the fear of conflict was so gripping, now I am more confident in the Lord and the truth of who He says I am and who He says my husband is, and these foundational truths are key in knowing how to handle it and be victorious in the midst of it. I have learned much and the Lord has freed me from fears that were paralyzing me in the area of my relationships. I can say, with a more solid foundation, conflict is just part of it all and isn’t this big scary monster that will crush me.
I have had to learn to compromise. That has been hard for me, since I was single for so long. It is true that you need to see that it is much better to have someone in your life, rather than a clean house. For so many years, I was so alone with nothing and nobody. Now, I have a husband and full life. It has been an adjustment, but with God’s help, I will be more of a helpmeet. Sometimes I feel sorry for myself, because I have had to make so many changes, but God is helping me to be more giving. It has been hard, but I know it will all be worth it.
The fine line I’d like to see explained is when you mention “cost”. For example, I know of a couple who are about to get married and the woman has been very deceitful, controlling, and is demanding marriage. The gentleman is more well mannered and is trying to accommodate, however feeling a bit pushed with no way out. He is being told that this is a “cost” to put up with. He has made major relationship decisions based on her input, only to find out later that it was a blatant lie, but by the time he found out, it was too late and things couldn’t be undone. So, next time you mention a “dirty” stable, could you please define it. Otherwise, I’ll witness yet another marriage under the guise of “christian destiny” when it was all based on manipulation. (She is marrying WAY up and he says she is the only one who has shown him this much attention and that perhaps that means it was, as she puts it, God’s will…she does after all volunteer for many “support the missionary” activities at her church, so she seems Christian…even-though her actions contradict her words. Oh, and she pushed physical intimacy to rush the marriage along.
I’m assuming your “conflict” is more along the line of she likes to go shopping and he likes to stay home for the day and sleep in. Or he bought something without telling her and now she feels left out. This is very different form slick con-artistry , which is happening so much today and is the foundation for marriage (under the guise of being christian)
So, comments to that?
I believe that my marriage is in serious trouble. My husband does not want to talk about our problems. He is curt and tells me to do something about it. I have retreated to my bedroom. My husband is only home when it is time to eat, sleep, or bathe. He does not work. I am paying all the bills and buying all the food. I spend almost all of my time alone. We have not been intimate for nearly 2 years. I am still able to do nice things for him, but I am wearing down. I pray continually, study the word and I stay close to God. I am not having any of my needs met as a wife. I feel like I am being used. Help!
I agree that conflict is a part of every marriage, even the better ones. My challenge is learning how to communicate effectively with my wife and also to develop thicker skin. My wife is an excellent judge of character and can call a spade a spade, which can ruffle my feathers at times. I find it hard to see myself the wayshe sees me at times. If you truly love someone you will be honest with them.
Lord I just ask you to surround the women that are crying out to you for help and wisdom lord i pray you honor your words that say seek me, trust me and i will lead you to unconditional joy and peace lord Jesus that is not based on situations or human love God that is based on your love alone. lord Jesus hear their cries lord into the darkness and answer them show them great and unsearchable things lord please send your angels to battle the principalities that are waging against their marriages lord send them Godly women with Godly wisdom to encourage, rebuke and counsel them through this time lord that iron would sharpen iron so that your glory would shine forth lord Jesus redeem the years the locusts have eaten lord and send your truth to these situations lord i ask you to direct their husband’s to your love and direct these wives to Christ’s perseverance lord you made a way in the desert for the Israelite lord you came to set the captives free and release the prisoners from darkness you can do immeasurably more than we could ever ask or imagine lord so we ask to see your grace your mercy and your justice in these situations lord lead them by the quiet waters hold them by their right hands lord and speak your words of comfort that you will never leave nor forsake them lord and that which you have drawn to you no one can snatch out of your hand lord and remind us of your truth that you have ransomed us and redeemed and restored us and we are yours until the end of days to you be the honor and glory and power forever and ever and in Jesus name amen.
So, as I read this article it hit close to home. My husband and I are have a relationship unlike the other comments left…he is a lifer. I live my life here on the outside and he lives it the best he can with him on the inside. We go through each stage of marriage at least one a week. Our primary contact is through daily letters, 3 – 15 minute phone calls and one 4 hour visit per week. He and I endure conflict in ways I would have never imagined, but it the end it all seems worth it. Our communication skills have managed to keep our heads above water and after some long, hard years (full of what seemed to be plagued with conflict) we’re still here – together- moving forward and in the happiest state, thus far. The verse that was quoted I usually translate as “nothing that is too easy is ever worth it, things that are harder to attain and/or achieve are always worth it in the end”. 🙂
To do what is best for your partner in life…
To respect the commitment of being husband and wife…
To be still and just listen —not have to be heard…
To forgive and forget and not need “the last word”…
To admit you’re not perfect —you’ll both make mistakes…
To support the decisions that each of you makes…
To be willing to laugh when a day has been rough…
To divide up the burdens when life becomes tough…
To support one another when things are too hurried…
To comfort each other when stress keeps you worried…
To be willing to cherish your true love and friend
with a joy and compassion that will never end.
As You celebrate each year together:
May you always have Understanding to make your marriage work,
Commitment to make your marriage grow
And Love to make your marriage happy!
My husband and I have been married for about 2 1/2 years. We just recently welcomed our first child into the world and he is such a joy to us (despite the screaming and lack of sleep). Ever since we brought him home, though, I’ve felt like there is suddenly this “wall” between my husband and I. It was an abrupt change from the “honeymoon” stage into the “real life with kids” stage for us, and I feel like we are constantly arguing (whereas we hardly had any arguing before baby). Our love life is limited – which seems to be a constant source of frustration, especially for my husband. I feel unattractive and I get discouraged because I feel like I can no longer make my husband happy. I’m not as pretty and shapely as I used to be when we were dating/newlyweds, and I’m suddenly paranoid all the time of what might happen. It’s horrible, because I know my husband would never be unfaithful and he says I make him happy, but it’s obvious that the changes in our relationship are frustrating both of us and making us unhappy. On top of all of this, we’re going through some really tight financial times. This should be such a joyful time, but I often feel down in the dumps and I know my husband does too. Is it possible to still be madly in love with your spouse and enjoy being parents?
My husband and I are constantly trying to communicate with more effectively with each other. We have been married for a little of 4 years and I can’t say that it has gotten worse but it has not gotten any better. I would have though after 4 years of marriage we would have come along further than this. But listening to the comment made by Alan I think I may have just gotten an “ah-ha” moment. I have struggled to find words for the way my husband feels about his communication with me and I think Alan’s comment may be just it. Thank you so much. It was hard for me to work on changing how he saw me without truly knowing what he was saying, but now I think that I can help. Hopefully this will work. I am so not an advocate of divorce and I use to feel secure in the fact that we would always be together, but lately he has said some many thing leaning towards it that i am now on guard with it and I do not want to me. I want to be free in my marriage. I want to know that we will always be there. That was a beautiful feeling when I had it; but now I no longer feel that way. So I am working on building this communication up and hopefully that will not make him feel so quick to mention divorce. I want that security again but this communication is really lacking and taking a toll on what we have.
Caryn, I feel where you are coming from completely! I am daily at home with our now 2-y-o child and have felt all of what you are feeling. It is definitely possible to be madly in love and parents…but I won’t say that comes without some work and some long nights talking through those difficult issues (which I realize seems impossible since you are likely both working on little to no sleep as it is)! We had very little conflict in our 4 years before our child was born, but so many things change when the new little one enters your life. I also found myself being less comfortable with my body than ever in my life (and admittedly still do). And, what he did/didn’t do with the baby seemed to be part of how I judged how he felt about me. We still struggle with things at times, but have learned that even though we are both exhausted and frustrated, it’s worth our time to stay up and talk through things before we ever let ourselves sleep on any hurt feelings or conflict (or worse, continue the discussion in our head, guessing what the other party would have said). I am a firm believer that if you put your relationship with your husband before your relationship with your child, and are honest and open with one another about ALL of what you are thinking and feeling, this trying time can bring you so much closer together. The most difficult part for me was being fully open with him about what I was feeling, partly because I didn’t know myself at times what I was feeling or why. With me, I’ve found at this stage of my life, our conflict usually starts with hurt feelings (often because I’m not feeling confident in myself). Now that I’ve made this discovery, I’m likely to spend some time thinking about what made me feel this way and why, and bring up the hurt feelings shortly after I answer those questions for myself, rather than let the little things add up. I’ve found that when I do that, I usually find out what he REALLY meant by that comment or why he didn’t step in and help me do something – which is usually nothing like what I thought his reasoning might be. There are other times when I find out that if I can’t figure out for myself why something upset me – I probably shouldn’t expect him to be able to. It’s in those times that we spend some time talking and asking questions of one another. In the end, it takes time, but it’s all worth it. In some of these conversations, you may just find that your body and your attitude have nothing to do with what will/will not make him happy – he may just need to know that this new little one isn’t more important than he is, and that you are still vulnerable to him and in love with him in spite of what has changed in your relationship. Sure, I’ve lost a lot more sleep in the past couple of years dealing with these issues, but I can honestly say that I love my husband more now than I ever have. I think we understand one another as well as we ever have. And, I’m still madly in love with him.