Conflict Denied: Conflict Series Part III
Newly married couples need to expect conflict, although I am not advocating that they should look for it. Picking a fight just for the sake of having a fight is not the goal. At the same time, a husband or wife should never shy away from conflict in a spirit of denial—either denying oneself full expression of opinions and ideas, or denying that certain situations within the marriage need resolution, repair, or readdressing. Those who live in denial live in a false peace.
It is far better to get differences of opinion out in the open than to keep them stuffed inside for the sake of perceived peace. Such peace is going to be fragile. Feelings of anger and hurt are likely to go underground and build to an explosion point at a later time. Too much pent-up emotion related to any issue can cause a situation to be blown far beyond the proportions warranted by the initial behavior or circumstance.
One person I know said this about his marriage of twenty-five years to a wife he adores: “Neither of us is good at silence. We vent our feelings frequently. We are quick to state our opinions and quick to resolve our differences. We don’t let anything negative brew and build between us. If we ever let things build up in us over time, we’d likely blow ourselves up in the process of blowing off steam.”
In my opinion, this couple has a very healthy attitude toward conflict.
My Question For You:
Do you express your feelings, opinions and ideas to your mate, even when they are difficult, or do you hold them inside?
My Challenge For You:
Make your relationship a safe place for both you and your mate to discuss your feelings, both good and bad.
Share your thoughts with us here.
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If you missed the first two devotionals on conflict, read them here:
my problem is i don’t know what is worth expressing frustration about and what isn’t. how do you know? sometimes i express frustration over the condition of the house or how long she has put something important off and it doesn’t go over well. i end up doing exactly what is outlined above in pushing it under the surface and eventually over reacting to something relatively small. i think my wife and i have both fallen into this category to some degree but more on my side than hers.
This information about having open dialogue in marriage is right on. There is one subtle caveat that should also be mentioned. A completely “honest” marriage is almost impossible for most people to achieve and when tried it often fails because we are much better at sharing the negative information than we are at sharing the positive. The Bible is in line with empirical research–the words of edification are the life blood of the institution of marriage. Criticism has its place, but should be kept in proper order. Most relationship gurus today appropriately suggest a 5 (positive) to 1 (negative) ratio for maintaining a wonderful relationship. So we need to check ourselves at our domestic door…have we made enough emotional deposits in order to make our necessary withdrawals?
These are all great principles in GENERAL…. its the Specifics on HOW that get most of us in trouble. My Wife ( Marriage & Family Therapist) handed me a book that showed me how, Susan Heitlers “The Power Of Two.” Simple book, not only tough me how to resolve conflict, it tough me how to communicate in a way that doesn’t cause conflict. If relationship rotates on communication, then a Great Relationship rotates on GREAT Communication.
My husband and I have been married for 23 years and we have seen so many marriages fail because the spouses won’t communicate with each other. They either hold it in or they blab to all their friends and then wonder why they can’t resolve the issue at hand. We are very open with one another and always speak what is in our mind or whatever is bothering us when things pop up. It helps us to know how the other is feeling so we can make the adjustments to meet each other needs. We get lots of compliments on our marriage, but we work hard on it. We talk, talk, talk whenever we get mad at each other. The biggest blessings for all women is to have a husband who truly LOVES them. Over the years as our bodies and moods change-we just need to feel loved. We may not understand ourselves our moods, but knowing that we have a husband who loves us, truly loves us, makes all the difference in the world and a much better marriage.
To Frustrated Mark above, I’d like to reply to you in a story. Imagine that your walking through the most beautiful nursey when a beautiful pot of flowers catches your eye. You take it home and it really starts to flourish. One day you add a little fertilizer and the flowers begins to die. Now imagine that the flowers can talk, what would they say?
Maybe they would say, “Hi Mark, uh… when you put the fertilizer on us the other day, well… it made us feel really sick. Not sure if you knew this, or what you where intending to do but it really hurt. Can we request you refrain from using it again, and just give us more water?”
As a gardener would you feel judged or condemned for your mistake by hearing these words?
Or maybe the Flowers are a little more angry and unforgiving,
“Hey Genius, you know you are constantly inconsistent with watering us, one day we drink another we starve, thank goodness it rains now and again. To top it all off you go and put that nasty stuff on us the other day thinking its gonna help, are totally oblivious? WATER…MARK… WATER… we just want WATER, loose the fertilizer and follow through with the WATER.”
Now do you feel judged?
The words and actions of others often carry unintended consequences, yet we (as the flower) always have a choice. We can say nothing, sweep it under the rug, yet we may still get more fertilizer. We can wait for our spouse to read our minds, or learn through observation, yet we could very well end up with more fertilizer. You could also try the motivational method of accusing the very hands that can bring life of incompetence…pretty certain this could lead to more fertilizer. The simplest means is to express what happened, how it made us feel, and make a request for what we want, avoiding accusations and judgment all together. Giving the gardner loving direction toward building intimacy with us.
If your willing to speak for yourself, your feelings, and make requests… where is judgment, where is condemnation? Where is there fuel to add to the fire?
Paul said, in I Corinthians 7:28 But if you marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. Yet such will have trouble in this life…. We know that conflict will exist in any marriage. The key to a navigating through conflict unharmed is meeting your spouses deepest need in the midst of these conflicts. For the woman it is love and for the man it is respect. Ephesians 5:33 says, Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.
For more information on Love and Respect check out http://www.loveandrespect.com and http://www.chestnutag.org/marriage.
God Bless,
Jason Scalzi
My wife and I were married on February 27, 2009. Relatively new and the first marriage for both of us. During our marraige classes, we had the priveledge to attend the Song of Solomon conference and the guest speaker was Doug Hudson .
Doug was eloquent, classy, funny, focused, well informed, practical, sensitive, he shared real life experiences including those of his marriage, how God has bless his marriage, family and their friendship. He was great!
I feel it is crucial that all engaged and married couples attend conferences, classes in order to get the tools required to have a happy and sucess marriage. satan ( I menat to type his name is lowercase) is very busy. Daily life itself keeps us busy and we as Christians have to be mindful of the anything that takes our focus off of God. I
Leading up to my marriage, I thank God for my parents, my mentor Pastor Rohan Anderson and connecting with Doug, I say that to say this; we need need to surround ourselves with God fearing, spirit filled and people who love the Lord.
God bless you all along with much happiness!
My husband and I are in our early 50’s, but we have only been married about 3 1/2 yrs. Recently, I noticed that I’ve started internalizing what I feel or want to say as it seems that if I say the slightest, not even a negative comment, he becomes immediately defensive and argumentative. I know it’s not healthy but at least there’s not an argument on an almost daily basis if I remain silent. I don’t know which is worse, arguing frequently over nothing or keeping silent (and probably blowing up one day). Within a few months after we were married, he started cussing me, and has repeated that behaviour. I’ve become somewhat withdrawn or I explode. Not good.
This is so right on. We have been married over 25 years and conflict avoidance and withdrawl has hurt our marriage. The unresolved issues store up over time and show up in a number of ways. Conflict is painful but, expressed properly, it can lead to resolution. Avoidance does not make the conflict go away, it makes it permanent. How can a “one flesh” union come from avoidance and withdrawl?
Let me first say to Mardy, wow, thanks much for the kind words. Are you sure it was me you were referring to? Your Christmas gift is in the mail:))
But, I also wanted to thank everyone for the great discussion about conflict. One topic that came up yesterday over coffee with a friend about this exact subject. He asked, ‘how do I handle when I have been offended by my wife.’ A very legit and good question.
My repsonse may be not what you are expecting. There are times when we are legitmately offended by our spouse. But, as believers that should be pretty rare in our marriage.
What I see most often, is one of the spouses being too defensive. I first see this mostly in men. You know that fragile male ego joke we have all heard about…well unfortunately I think it is kind of true:(
Many times what we need is a good dose of laughing at ourselves and not taking ourselves too seriously. Many conflicts stem from ‘I feel offended’ so then I react like that and then we spiral into a good ole fashion fight where things are said and hurtful things are brought back up.
So, of course there is real offense. In these cases, approach with kindness, respect but get to the point quickly and concisely. Be direct and kind about each other’s feelings.
But, too many of us, yeah, unfortunately, me included, I just need to relax a bit, laugh at myself when being teased, and not take myself so seriously.
Life is short, God is good, and there is much to do and enjoy for Christ’s sake.
God is with you.
Yeah….what do you do if your marriage has NOT been a safe place to share your feelings, and you have made this known to your spouse, and they try to change, but the old habits of hurtful behavior return. AND your spouse REFUSES throughout the marriage to go to counseling with you? (married 21 yrs.)
Many of us in the past have accused the other of whatever..?? But I have learned it is better to say how it has made me feel or how I am feeling “I am feeling very angry” rather than vent the emotion itself. It kind of helps to keep the communication from getting out of hand and our words to be how we are feeling, the other party my not have a thought in their head that they have caused any offence or stirred a response to the action or words that they have shared. But it is very very important to share with each other how things have been, we also need to give each other space to share about the situation as they have perceived it to be without any intrusion from the other so as to hear how each has felt. With that info now you can talk about it peacably together or should do and iron out the difficulties.